an outlet

losing my best friend

2011-05-06T10:48:00.000-07:00

life is good.

my disdain for him was so rational. though passivity is far from logical, in this situation, in this context, it was completely relevent.

the self-centeredness was absolutely uncool, man.

the nights i would lay in bed, pushing myself to know it was perfect and inevitable the scene: i feel like i'm losing my best friend.

and i would lie completely disturbed by unwanted waves of burning resentment. unwillingly stirring already-proven equations of righteousness--theorems of infuriating morality.

i was kicking it, and it was my bestfriend.

and it was perfect and inevitable.

Debbie

2011-02-20T21:05:00.000-08:00

"This was the week," she said. I wouldn't be able to tell you the amount of pills she matched with her diseases, symptoms, aches, pains, and bodily fails. Heather had a miscarriage, someone stole her wallet, David died, and now she had to drive to the doctor or he/she would call the police. She's been suffering for as long as I've known her--physically but not always mentally. From her ex-husband who conned her into moving to Texas and buying a house and land--then while she made him a sandwich, he took off with all of her stuff and his cousin/lover--to the endless series of unfortunate events that were the cornerstones of her life, she was always the most refreshing and spirited lady to be around when I was growing up.

After 10-15 minutes of conversing on her week and the terrible condition of her "past-date" body, I became sentient of my heart's beating. I felt wrapped in a warm instinct. With resentment to the doctor, she gently communicated that she was glad to go, despite the annoyance, for she was ready to go.

The next three minutes, I felt more like myself than I had in a very long time. I felt my part in the whole; I saw the events and agents in my past up to just hours before the call, causing me, my identity, my reactions; I felt the words spill out of my mouth so purely as if it were straight from my soul. I felt I had plenty of options: to accept her understandable attempt of ending this heavy conversation for my sake, to passively block such morbid reality from entering my thoughts, to try to stop her. But though I knew not what I was about to say, I knew exactly what I would do. And those three minutes were divine.

We agreed that all the things we're supposed to strive for, everything in life we're supposed to value, our ambitions, our passions, were all "a bunch of bullshit." We reminded each other of the beauty of life, when she would look up at the sky, when she spent time in her garden looking at her plants... But she was still very down and bitter, of course understandably.

I told her, in case this would be the last time we would talk, that I loved her, and that she had always been a sprightly spirit in my life, that when we hung out when I was more a child than an adolescent, she taught me to laugh at life, to laugh at people, to laugh at everything, that I appreciated all the things she did for me. I paused. I said, "I guess you really taught me how to learn from life's lessons," alluding to the uncountable terrible things that have happened in her life. I smiled. She could tell and she laughed, "Wow, I haven't laughed in so long."

She said she missed that side of her, she didn't feel she was like that anymore. I told her that people change, everything is changing, and that's okay. "What was, happened. And that's lovely."

And at that point I felt I knew exactly what I should say. I felt I needed to. It felt determined. I said if there was one final thing I could say to her,"Just don't forget to smile." With a slightly different posture to her voice she said, "Oh I will smile. Smiling at all the pain and shit I'll be leaving behind." She was still bitter, but she seemed happier.

1/18/10 2:08am

2011-02-07T16:07:00.000-08:00

and i left their compassionate confides to my discretionary showcase in the light of the potential viewing.

and in my vanity i eluded, in timely matter, the eyes of those of a possible lover in her paternal cocoon.

i set my body upon the curb of a secluded view, amongst the leafs.

rustling in the uncommon shrouds, a body wrapped in sheets.

inhaling my hourglass, i spoke aloud, "to all the organisms of this universe of which can hear me, 'Goodnight. And I love you.'"

words i would reflect upon as the remainder of my presence burned to the butt.

i soaked and inhaled in the brotherhood of my fellow sentient lovers.

'Let us not forget...' i repeated, and ascended the stairs to my abode.

on being responsible

2009-09-03T02:10:00.000-07:00

i've finally realized that everyone has issues,
and that my constant analysis of everyone's actions is pointless
without accepting that people are the way they are for reasons they cannot truly control.

but once i do get to know someone down to their problems, baggage, insecurities
and their nonsensible or nonexistent rationale,
i begin to clearly see where my presence and my actions lie in this fucked up equation.
being so observant can make one lonely.

accepting the twinkle in her eye,
giving that prolonged direct stare of untamed desire right back,
saying all those right things in her ear as simple as opening her bedroom door,
and lying there in her sheets,
while we test her bed to see if it can really hold,
while we smash against a paper thin wall,
while i make her scream and cry her pleasure into pain,
while i huff and puff and blow her whole house down
and let her make herself believe she's lucky for it...
well that would be irresponsible.

so i sit here, watching them walk by me.
and i let them...
until they're swept off their feet by some other asshole.

(untitled)

2009-07-07T01:06:00.000-07:00

here i am again, writing to the Wind:
please Wind, wont you lend me a limb?
so much debris all around me
finding love, gliding in glee.
happily, their Wind blows by me,
and i wait... and wait... and wait...
trying to keep from falling.

to you

2009-04-07T20:35:00.000-07:00

To you in this very stable and safe lifestyle that every one of us lives—you, who are fortunate enough to have this computer that sits in a house that stands in a peaceful community, with food, bedding, and family—all we have is our mind to struggle against. When we don't have to worry about what we're going to eat, how we'll hunt for it, where we are going to sleep, and who we’ll kill for it, our natural instincts are to engulf ourselves in the next best conflict, whether we have to create the issue or not. What I'm getting at is that all of the inconsequential things that make us stressed out, disappointed, and miserable, are entirely inessential to us living our lives.

There are a couple of things to say about the events in the past week that led up to the news I received today. For one, it definitely does some justice to the spiritual theories that float in my head with no significant weight, whether that is a God or a humble omen. But ultimately, I've used these past events to cope with the recent bad news.

Isn't it ironic how people come to you for advice, to vent, or to help make things clear when you yourself are well off the path you've always wished you would be walking? But you've had enough experience in your life with the way things work that when that pessimistic someone comes to you in tears, you know the answer, and you tell them that everything will be fine. You assess their traumatic conflict and realize for them, this will all pass. And just like how you've moved on from your last relationship, or you've thrown away that unaffordable car you crashed, or you've forgotten about the quarrel you and a friend were in last year, you reassure them that these are just learning experiences and soon you'll be at your 100%, living an amazing life, unchanged by this struggle.

Then it hits you. And the one thing you've struggled for all these years has lost its appeal—fortunately for me, this timely epiphany hit me right when I thought I’d lost it all. And you take a step back and weigh your choices: I can start back from zero or I can give this up. And you make that decision. And you either jump back into the circular lifestyle of self-created, insubstantial monotony… or you grow.

You sleepwalk, forget where your money went, look around the room, scanning over the myriad of material items you’ve struggled to afford, and turn to the mirror and wish you had this, that, and more… or you wake up.

epiphany

2009-03-28T16:34:00.000-07:00

Epiphany:
that omniscient luminescent crescent we call moon
speaks its words and its truths to make the seas swoon.
the winds wind up whips from the ocean's flat,
and only time will tell when these swells will see their "crack."

with shore in sight, these waves of wisdom and enlightenment
build energy, ignite, and ascend to a peak crescent.
crashing on the shores of my eyes, now i see,
and my consciousness expands through epiphany.

speech

2009-03-26T12:54:00.000-07:00

This was my valedictorian speech.

"Today, we are going to walk out those gates.

We will have our own lives to live, our own decisions to make, and our own dreams to strive for.

And what will we live for? What will you strive for? Many of us SCPA-ians will strive for fame, for glory, for remembrance. Most of us will strive our whole lives for a good job, to earn good money, to own a large home, quality clothes, and an impressive car.

But, where are you going with this job? Where are you going with all this money?

Where are you going with this false sense of happiness?

Where are you going in this brand new car… that runs off the very thing that started a war;

In these brand new clothes… that are the products of overworked and underprivileged children in foreign lands;

Listening to this music… that represents the hatred and murdering of our brothers and sisters.

Where are you going?

Sometimes, you can look around, and say we live in a messed up world.

But.

You and I all know, in the deepest chambers of our hearts, with the most thankless and stubborn faith, how beautiful life can be.

How magnificent a simple good day is, with good friends, good food, and good vibes;

How astonishing the harmonies are of strangers and friends of all colors and cultures, working together for one cause;

How enlightening even the smile of a mere passerby can be.

From the sight of a newborn baby, angelic in glow; to the sight of a single mother and her son saying, "Love you," as they go their separate ways to get an education and put a roof over their heads.

You and I all know, far too well, what a beautiful life we live in.

Past the material items, past the social status, past the inconsequential stresses and setbacks that are so big in our minds but are so small in reality.

And at the end of the road… what is the one thing you want to see prevalent in your life?

I'm asking you a question.

Looking back on the times you spent on this Earth, what is the one thing you would hope to have in your life.

This is why I ask you, where are we going?

I'll tell you where we are going.

Today, we are going to walk out those gates.

With these shoes, protecting us from the rubble of hatred, violence, and negativity.

With this skin, that breathes the love and passion for our brothers and sisters.

And with this mind and mouth, that blow the very same gusts of wind that your parents, your teachers, and your friends swept you off your feet with, and into these chairs.

Today, we are going to walk out those gates, know, and never forget, no matter which direction you may take in your lives, whichever path you decide to tread, shed away your negativity, your judgments, and your sorrow, and live your lives, burning with the love that SCPA has instilled in us… for ourselves… and for everyone around us."

love cathartically

2009-03-23T15:51:00.000-07:00

I've found it's less important to know what my words meant to me if it hinders finding what they mean to you.

Love, Cathartically:
with virgo-like instincts,
i've broken much of it down,
over again with successive fulfillments,
until another one brings me around.

conclusions bring nostalgic frustrations,
optimistically realizing my summations,
and all my social donations,
will never reach final appellations.

a never-ending search can obscure direction,
a never-ending struggle can yield tension,
an always-questioning mind can lack apprehension,
but this can't allow let downs to defoliate affection.

c is for the trees
a is for the sun
t is for the sounds
h is for the gods
a is for the change
r is for the moon
t is for the expression
i is for the response
c is for the will
a is for the touch
l is for the math
l is for the word
y is for the love

i love, cathartically.

esquivel

2009-03-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

I've haven't posted on here since I made this... so before I post something I just wrote, I'll put up some stuff I've written in the past.
This was the first poem I ever wrote. For some reason I was really into alliteration and at the time I was listening to a lot of Esquivel and all that loungy, space-age jazz. That basically sums this up.

Esquivel:
im a cat in a solace star,
stationed in the milky-super-highways,
with smooth sounds of bossa-nova sitar,
and scads of space-age sonance-ified-rays.
honey-dipped in solemn solidity with no somber stern,
sinning syntax and startling sex always seem to churn.
where serenity is solicited in a serenade so sedate,
one can savor a shameless sight of their sanctified soulmate.

sipping sake-self-satisfaction,
spooning saucy-sentiment-transaction.

swingin' snazzy rhythm skins,
strikin' splendiferous stylish synths,
slidin' savant swanky guitar,
all straight from my stark seductive, furry paw.

sunshine

2009-01-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

I wrote this today. I don't really show it lately, but things inside have been very difficult to extinguish. This has been pretty cathartic to write and maybe can be the same to read. I wrote this in the perspective of my mother.

Sunshine:
he once was a little boy
he once could give it all
he could run for days, for you
he felt a hundred feet tall

but its an inevitable evolution
losing your ability to love and treat right
is it just: this retribution?
no one deserves the punch that was never in sight

this mountain of a world will slap that sun right off your face
and leave you in shadows with the rest of them
but you can climb, baby, i gave you them legs for a reason
yes, you can climb and one day you'll find that sun again

how can someone be so heartless?
he sat lonely day after day
he only gave his love and sincerity
but what Confucius say dont keep confusion at bay

no its not your fault, little one
the age of consent is just an illusion
wisdom is sparse to none
the solution, sunshine, is absolution

this mountain of a world will slap that sun right off your face
and leave you in shadows with the rest of them
but you can climb, baby, i gave you them legs for a reason
yes, you can climb and one day you'll find that sun again

solipsistic.
isnt it sick,
drawing lines with a stick?
her love was a trick.

but youre my little buddha
you'll always be mine
listen to me, i've climbed that mountain
and now, you're my sunshine

pictures

2009-01-11T21:53:00.000-08:00

Pictures:
loneliness was the last friend i had
but i was a selfish friend
now, i walk around with pictures
i sleep around with photographs

they tell themselves they need to be like her
she tells herself she needs to be like them

we never stop running until we see where we've always been
we never stop winning until there's nothing left to lose

were just pictures
dried up of substance
glorified pictures
walking in circles

they believe they can love
isnt it funny
they believe they can love
isnt it sad
when we love to lose our minds
when we love to lose our bodies

when the last signs of beauty you once possessed
were lost in the flashing lights of your success

were just pictures
dried up of substance
glorified fucking pictures
walking in circles

but theyre 2-D you's and me's
i guess it could've been romantic
but everyone started hugging trees
sometimes i wish i never learned how to think free

prologue

2009-01-11T21:47:00.000-08:00

We're all emotional people and we all have things on our minds. I'm using this as an outlet for the things in my mind to come out. I know not many will read these things, but whoever wants to listen will be able to.

Enjoy.