losing my best friend

life is good.

my disdain for him was so rational. though passivity is far from logical, in this situation, in this context, it was completely relevent.

the self-centeredness was absolutely uncool, man.

the nights i would lay in bed, pushing myself to know it was perfect and inevitable the scene: i feel like i'm losing my best friend.

and i would lie completely disturbed by unwanted waves of burning resentment. unwillingly stirring already-proven equations of righteousness--theorems of infuriating morality.

i was kicking it, and it was my bestfriend.

and it was perfect and inevitable.

Debbie

"This was the week," she said. I wouldn't be able to tell you the amount of pills she matched with her diseases, symptoms, aches, pains, and bodily fails. Heather had a miscarriage, someone stole her wallet, David died, and now she had to drive to the doctor or he/she would call the police. She's been suffering for as long as I've known her--physically but not always mentally. From her ex-husband who conned her into moving to Texas and buying a house and land--then while she made him a sandwich, he took off with all of her stuff and his cousin/lover--to the endless series of unfortunate events that were the cornerstones of her life, she was always the most refreshing and spirited lady to be around when I was growing up.

After 10-15 minutes of conversing on her week and the terrible condition of her "past-date" body, I became sentient of my heart's beating. I felt wrapped in a warm instinct. With resentment to the doctor, she gently communicated that she was glad to go, despite the annoyance, for she was ready to go.

The next three minutes, I felt more like myself than I had in a very long time. I felt my part in the whole; I saw the events and agents in my past up to just hours before the call, causing me, my identity, my reactions; I felt the words spill out of my mouth so purely as if it were straight from my soul. I felt I had plenty of options: to accept her understandable attempt of ending this heavy conversation for my sake, to passively block such morbid reality from entering my thoughts, to try to stop her. But though I knew not what I was about to say, I knew exactly what I would do. And those three minutes were divine.

We agreed that all the things we're supposed to strive for, everything in life we're supposed to value, our ambitions, our passions, were all "a bunch of bullshit." We reminded each other of the beauty of life, when she would look up at the sky, when she spent time in her garden looking at her plants... But she was still very down and bitter, of course understandably.

I told her, in case this would be the last time we would talk, that I loved her, and that she had always been a sprightly spirit in my life, that when we hung out when I was more a child than an adolescent, she taught me to laugh at life, to laugh at people, to laugh at everything, that I appreciated all the things she did for me. I paused. I said, "I guess you really taught me how to learn from life's lessons," alluding to the uncountable terrible things that have happened in her life. I smiled. She could tell and she laughed, "Wow, I haven't laughed in so long."

She said she missed that side of her, she didn't feel she was like that anymore. I told her that people change, everything is changing, and that's okay. "What was, happened. And that's lovely."

And at that point I felt I knew exactly what I should say. I felt I needed to. It felt determined. I said if there was one final thing I could say to her,"Just don't forget to smile." With a slightly different posture to her voice she said, "Oh I will smile. Smiling at all the pain and shit I'll be leaving behind." She was still bitter, but she seemed happier.

1/18/10 2:08am

and i left their compassionate confides to my discretionary showcase in the light of the potential viewing.

and in my vanity i eluded, in timely matter, the eyes of those of a possible lover in her paternal cocoon.

i set my body upon the curb of a secluded view, amongst the leafs.

rustling in the uncommon shrouds, a body wrapped in sheets.

inhaling my hourglass, i spoke aloud, "to all the organisms of this universe of which can hear me, 'Goodnight. And I love you.'"

words i would reflect upon as the remainder of my presence burned to the butt.

i soaked and inhaled in the brotherhood of my fellow sentient lovers.

'Let us not forget...' i repeated, and ascended the stairs to my abode.

on being responsible

i've finally realized that everyone has issues,
and that my constant analysis of everyone's actions is pointless
without accepting that people are the way they are for reasons they cannot truly control.

but once i do get to know someone down to their problems, baggage, insecurities
and their nonsensible or nonexistent rationale,
i begin to clearly see where my presence and my actions lie in this fucked up equation.
being so observant can make one lonely.

accepting the twinkle in her eye,
giving that prolonged direct stare of untamed desire right back,
saying all those right things in her ear as simple as opening her bedroom door,
and lying there in her sheets,
while we test her bed to see if it can really hold,
while we smash against a paper thin wall,
while i make her scream and cry her pleasure into pain,
while i huff and puff and blow her whole house down
and let her make herself believe she's lucky for it...
well that would be irresponsible.

so i sit here, watching them walk by me.
and i let them...
until they're swept off their feet by some other asshole.

(untitled)

here i am again, writing to the Wind:
please Wind, wont you lend me a limb?
so much debris all around me
finding love, gliding in glee.
happily, their Wind blows by me,
and i wait... and wait... and wait...
trying to keep from falling.

to you

To you in this very stable and safe lifestyle that every one of us lives—you, who are fortunate enough to have this computer that sits in a house that stands in a peaceful community, with food, bedding, and family—all we have is our mind to struggle against. When we don't have to worry about what we're going to eat, how we'll hunt for it, where we are going to sleep, and who we’ll kill for it, our natural instincts are to engulf ourselves in the next best conflict, whether we have to create the issue or not. What I'm getting at is that all of the inconsequential things that make us stressed out, disappointed, and miserable, are entirely inessential to us living our lives.

There are a couple of things to say about the events in the past week that led up to the news I received today. For one, it definitely does some justice to the spiritual theories that float in my head with no significant weight, whether that is a God or a humble omen. But ultimately, I've used these past events to cope with the recent bad news.

Isn't it ironic how people come to you for advice, to vent, or to help make things clear when you yourself are well off the path you've always wished you would be walking? But you've had enough experience in your life with the way things work that when that pessimistic someone comes to you in tears, you know the answer, and you tell them that everything will be fine. You assess their traumatic conflict and realize for them, this will all pass. And just like how you've moved on from your last relationship, or you've thrown away that unaffordable car you crashed, or you've forgotten about the quarrel you and a friend were in last year, you reassure them that these are just learning experiences and soon you'll be at your 100%, living an amazing life, unchanged by this struggle.

Then it hits you. And the one thing you've struggled for all these years has lost its appeal—fortunately for me, this timely epiphany hit me right when I thought I’d lost it all. And you take a step back and weigh your choices: I can start back from zero or I can give this up. And you make that decision. And you either jump back into the circular lifestyle of self-created, insubstantial monotony… or you grow.

You sleepwalk, forget where your money went, look around the room, scanning over the myriad of material items you’ve struggled to afford, and turn to the mirror and wish you had this, that, and more… or you wake up.

epiphany

Epiphany:
that omniscient luminescent crescent we call moon
speaks its words and its truths to make the seas swoon.
the winds wind up whips from the ocean's flat,
and only time will tell when these swells will see their "crack."

with shore in sight, these waves of wisdom and enlightenment
build energy, ignite, and ascend to a peak crescent.
crashing on the shores of my eyes, now i see,
and my consciousness expands through epiphany.